Just Like Heaven

I had trouble deciding what to name this post! My massage was so heavenly. There were too many ways to describe just how awesome it was. I have never in my life had a massage before, so I wasn't really sure what to expect.

The thing is, I guess I don't really like to be touched very much. My Grandma is the exact same way. We are very affectionate people, but we like to be the initiators of embraces, etc, not the recievers. In an "I'll hug you, don't hug me first" kind of way. It kinda gives me the heebies when people try and touch me. I don't know why this is; people don't gross me out or anything, I guess I just get caught off guard. So I wasn't exactly sure if I was going to like this very much. And, I am ticklish to no end. I can't even get through a pedicure without busting out laughing.

The shocker number one was when she asked me to get naked down to my skivies. Color me naiive, but I hadn't really considered the "naked" aspect of getting a massage. I was too busy being hung up on the idea of a stranger touching me thing. So I thanked the heavens I had shaved my legs and got under the sheet. She knew I was a little nervous, and took it slow. At first, I was focusing on every little movement her hands were making, then I just let myself drift and relax. I felt like a limp noodle, a handful of well-worn Play-Doh when she was done. There was one moment when she was working on my sides that I giggled a bit, which I think alarmed her, but I think it was because I broke her concentration. It was one of the best experiences I've had on my 30 days thus far! This was my number two shocker: taking a plunge can be a good thing. I am usually really reluctant to try new things because I am so set in my ways. But this was goooooood :-)

I had interesting dreams after my massage. I can rarely remember anything I dream about, but this stuck in my mind after I woke up. I saw myself in the future. I know it was the future because my hair was longer, and I looked well, older, I guess, but not in in the far far future. My hair was still streaked purple, and I was walking somewhere. I was busy and distracted, and it seemed like me, only better. Again, I know this is kinda cheesy, but there has to be a reason it stuck in my mind after so many nights of dreamless sleep. Maybe all this introspection is seeping in to my subsconcious. All I know is...I liked the atmosphere of this dream. Maybe this crazy purple will be permenant...for a little while longer than anticipated.

PS- I know nothing about blogs, as you can see from my generic layout. Does anyone reading this know how to embed music in my blog? I think it needs a soundtrack.


On to poopy diapers, I go!

The Strange & Unusual

Ok, so I'll admit it. I spent about all of 5 minutes taking my pic. It's not THAT beautiful. It's a view of the freeway, near Bassett. The lights and the blur make it an OK pic. I didn't get to spend as much time as I'd have liked to on today's pic, but it does represent this moment in time for me. Things are moving so incredibly fast, and I find myself struggling to hang on. Every week is the same. Life is predictable: Mondays, I study for my Tuesday night class. Tuesday, I go to work, eat dinner at my desk and head to class. I get home, watch some mindless reality TV, and pass out by 10:30. Wednesday I do the same as Monday. Thursday I do the same as Tuesday. Friday, I'll go have drinks with my co-workers after work, then maybe see a movie. Saturday, I go to work all day, then sometimes I'll go out, sometimes I'll lay around, just happy to be at home for once and decompress from the week. Sunday, I try to sleep in till at least 9, spend some time with the loco women, study or hang out with Adriana. Life is predictable, boring, but it is crazy busy. Months pass like moments. Part of the reason I wanted to create this blog is so that I force myself to stop, look up take a moment to do something for myself. Hold myself accountable for something that doesn't have a due date attached to it.

This is my Mama. She will be pissed that I posted this, but this is something beautiful to me. She's so crazy. Every night to me, she makes little comments about something I've written in this blog. She cracks me up and keeps me going.

 This is a dinosaur (I think) one of the students left on a desk. Its a gum wrapper that they somehow fused to the desk, then they etched out the image of this dinosaur in it. I wanted to be mad, but it was so cute and intricate, I had to laugh. These students are going to be hard to say goodbye to next month. Without fail, every year I meet new students in my classroom, and I fall in love with them. Not in the creepy, Mary Kate Letourneau kind of way, but in a way that even though I get frustrated, and I bitch to no end and I wonder if anything I'm saying is having an impact, at the end of the day, I feel so fortunate just to be able to be a small part of their lives. To watch their transformation is a blessing, and a lesson in compassion and dedication. This is beautiful to me because its simple, and simplicity can be so complex and beautiful all at once.

This is an image that I recently wrote a paper on with my classmate, Lisa. It was made by Yolanda Lopez, and stirred up a bunch of controversy about the Virgen, what she represents, is it ok that she has actual legs, why is she running, why is she stomping on that angel, etc. I really enjoyed writing about this. I'm not Catholic, nor have I ever been, but I've always been interested in this idea of this woman, who shoulders the responsibility of being the mother to the whole of humanity and is adored by so many, but analyzed and examined by all. I guess I can understand how this image could be sacriligeous to some, but the joy on her face is what inspires me. She looks free. Is it relief of escape? Is she victorious over the snake? Is she stomping on the angel because he isn't what he seems? The analysis is endless; in my mind she is a celebration of femininity, struggle and perserverance. This is beautiful to me today because she looks strong, happy and on the brink of something amazing.

;-)

Up In Smoke

It was amazing how quickly the list of negativities came to mind. There are so many things that I allow to weigh me, to hold me back. All the people that I included in my list are no longer in my life...yet their actions still occupy my thoughts. It's no use letting the past have this kind of power over me. I guess it's a good thing that I was able to recall the negativities so easily because that must mean I know myself, at least enough to recognize some of these thoughts. Many of them were my flaws, my fears. It will feel good to let these things go.

As it burned, I prayed for clarity, and peace of mind and heart in the next years. I think that's the best thing we can hope for in this life. It burned so fast, and it looked so beautiful. I can only hope I will be able to stick to my guns and let go of this toxicity and give myself every opportunity and not second-guess myself.

Ash! I have never seen ash this delicate. It burned so quickly and completely that I could still read my text on the ash. Once I touched it, it totally disintegrated.

Heavy thoughts on my mind before bed tonight. I wish I could just erase all my negativity like I burned the list. Easier said than done, but a task I will tackle nonetheless :)

Sarah, Solita

Timing actually worked out really well for my solo Sunday. My family went out of town this weekend, and it was just me & the pooches today. It's been 9 months now since I moved back in with my family. I hadn't realized time had gone by so fast. My decision to move home was like many of my big decisions...spur of the moment and executed quickly before I can second-guess myself and change my mind. And it was a huge adjustment. Living with my grandma and mom again is both a blessing and a headache. We get along well, but part of that getting along well is driving each other crazy. We are each so set in our ways. Being alone has never really been an issue for me. I enjoy it, even prefer it sometimes. But today rattled me a little...at first. I woke up and made breakfast for myself and realized that its been so long since I'd done this, it felt weird...foreign, somehow. I guess I am a creature of habit, and being alone is no longer my habit.

I spent my solo day doing things that needed to get done. Laundry, cleaning, errands, random stuff. So here is the conclusion I came to today: I very much enjoy doing things alone. I'm an only child. If I haven't gotten used to it by now, something has gone wrong. But, undeniably, a good portion of the reason I moved home, whether consciously or unconsciously, is because I was tired of doing things alone day in and day out. Once graduation comes, I will be moving out of El Paso. My internal compass has hit "W" for wanderlust, and I don't know where I'll end up next, but something tells me its time to go.  As much as I may dig in my heels and think that I want to stay in EP, I know things are stagnant for me here in so many ways. This solo time tells me I need to choose carefully where my next zip code will be. These 9 months flew by and the next year will probably be the same way and the decision of where to go will be upon me. I keep telling myself that I don't want to think about where I want to move to so that I can go where the wind blows and where job opportunities are fruitful, but the reality is if I want to make this move happen, I'd better start thinking and planning.

1.2.3....

Fellini Fumble!

They say when we make a plan, God laughs. God was probably laughing at me today for attempting to make plans to go to Fellini Film Cafe so that he could wreak havoc on those plans.

The day started off pretty ok. I went to work at UTEP, thinking my purple streaks were subtle, and I didn't have to worry too much about concealment. Uhhhhh....I guess they just don't photograph well, but those shits stick out! I was getting comments left and right from students who couldn't believe I took the plunge. I'm thinking its subtle outdoors, but something about the florescent lights inside really make them pop. My shower water was super purple this morning, so I didn't think there'd be any left, but I guess I was wrong. It was pretty laughable.

Back to Fellini. It was a bust. I arrived there at 7 and there was an issue with the projector, so I wasn't able to watch anything. The place itself was really cute, though, and I'm glad I got to check it out. I will be making time again during my 30 days to go, regardless. 

The best part about this 30 day journey isn't just the introspection, but I think its also satisfying just to get things done. I am a list maker by nature, and isn't the whole point of making a list having the gratification of scratching a line of completion? I am getting immense satisfaction by "gettin' er done", if nothing else.

;-)

Fellini-1, Sarah-0

re-match to come!

Purple Haze

So here goes...I have never had crazy colored hair in my life. Today was a leap because although I've dyed my hair tons in the past, the last two years, I regressed to hair virginity and was back to my natural color 100%. Considering I hadn't seen my natural color since the age of 12, I figured it was a good time to find out what was.

Please note the "deer in headlights" look in my eye in the above pic. This is where I remember my hair hates color and normally rejects it, leaving me with a brassy, burnt toast color. In the case of purple, that might be a washed-magenta-y look. Ayyyyyy....what am I doing?

Final product...I knew it. The picture really doesn't do it justice. It's an awesome hue of purple, really only visible in the light...which is good, considering I warp young minds for a living. The purple can only be seen in this pic on top, and the bottom looks golden-ish, telling me a good percentage of the purple didn't take. I'm wondering what it's gonna look like after I wash it a few times this weekend. I'm pretty pleased overall, with my relatively safe venture in to punk purple locks ;-)

Mission for the day...accomplished.

Oh yes, wait a minute, Mister Postman!

One of the hardest things about doing these 30 days isn't actually doing the things on my list...it's more like finding the time and the energy to actually do them. I got home from class yesterday at about 9:20 and I felt so spent, all I wanted to do was veg out and zone on some mindless TV. So I wrote my letter and passed out narcoleptic-style without posting anything about it. Working my two jobs and grad school keeps me in a near permenant state of exhaustion, so it seems.

So back to my letter. It was actually too difficult to think of one sole person in my life that trumped all others by being in need of the most thanks. There are so many people I'm infintely grateful to. My grouchy Grandma, who makes me nuts on a regular basis, and talks shit to me about almost everything I do, but who I know stresses and worries about me more than anyone. My Mom, who never, ever fails. My boss, who took a chance on me, despite many things, and gave me the first job I've ever loved, and taught me what its like to actually love and respect my work life. My friends, who are all so amazing in different ways. Krista, who came out of no where and revolutionized my way of thinking. Cristina-Maria (C-M), who knows me inside and out, backwards and forwards and forgives me unconditionally for being a bad phone friend. Adriana, who is my no-bullshit friend and makes me laugh till I pee and loves my Enriqueta stories more than anyone. Robert, who is like a brother. I can count on him to move a couch or listen to me cry over...whoever, whenever. My professor, Dr. Ceballos, who sat down and actually listened when I told her I'd be unemployed in a few months, and helped me figure out my next move. How does one pick? I am so lucky.

So I decided to go another way with my letter and write a thank you letter to someone I am grateful to but have never met. Last night when I got home, Elizabethtown was on TBS. Ever since I saw Say Anything my senior year of high school, I have loved Cameron Crowe films. There is something about the underlying sense of optimism in all his movies, but of all of them, Elizabethtown hits me the closest to home. Since my Dad died in 2000, and probably even before that, I had daddy issues. Who was he, really? Who am I? How does who he was affect who I am? When he died unexpectedly, I never found answers to those questions. Because Elizabethtown dealt with similar stuff, I loved it the most. When it came out in 2005, I'd had time to come to terms with a few things, and it helped me close the door on some internal struggles I was dealing with in that department. Because my dad died on my birthday, this time of year is undeniably hard. I feel like he dies again every year. I felt like writing to Cameron Crowe to thank him for creating that movie that meant so much to me and helped me come to terms with his death. This all must be part of embracing the cheese, because I cried like a damn fool as I wrote that letter. No matter if he ever reads it or not, it helped me to write it and let that gratitude out in the world.

In true Sarah fashion, I also thanked him for creating the Lloyd Dobler character in Say Anything, who continues to be my mold for a dream man! Gimme a man in a trenchcoat with a boom box and I will be happy forever.

Good day. Like my very own Thanksgiving.


:-),
S


PS- Yes, I actually sent it.

Guerilla Randomiocity.

Fantastic day today.
It is quite possible I smiled so much today I made my face crack.

I really liked the idea of running around furtively and planting little surprises around for people. The first of my actions was to plant Post-It notes around my work building with little notes on them. Stupid stuff; simple stuff. I read an internet article several years ago about this group of women who did the same thing. They'd leave inspirational little notes in public restrooms, on the city bus, in places strangers would find them in hopes of just brightening someones day. Maybe its kinda cheesy, but as my sister-friend Cristina-Maria says, as we get older we have to learn how to embrace the cheese. I don't and will never know who got to see my notes, but, I hope it inspired a smile, even if it was a sarcastic one.I only did a few, but I always wanted to try it.

Next, I took a student to lunch. Rafael, who is incredibly polite and soft-spoken, was hanging out alone outside our work building during lunch. I asked him if he had lunch, and he said no, so I treated him to some chinese food. He had been absent quite a bit in the last few weeks, and having lunch, we had a long conversation on life and the different challenges it poses. I tried to be a good listener and give him worthwhile advice.

On my way home, I stopped at Subway and bought a couple of footlongs and took them to every homeless person I could find between Wyoming and Airway. Some were grateful, some looked at me questioningly, and others just said thank you. None looked disappointed that it wasn't booze!
All in all, it was a great day. I felt a lightness in my step I hadn't felt in awhile.

Tomorrow, I write a thank you letter. I love letter writing. It's a dying act. I still haven't decided who needs thanking the most, but I am going to send it in the mail, old-fashioned style. The hardest part is choosing who needs the most thanking at this point. I'm so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life right now.

Until then, a wink and a :-)

Yes. Yes?

Ok, so my yes day was a total bust.

Maybe I already say yes enough, because nothing felt any different today. Maybe I need to practice saying no? The day started off somewhat uneventfully, but as predicted, my ass and almost every other part of my body was sore, and I slept weird, so I awoke in a HORRID mood and had no desire to say yes to anyone or anything. The day got better and I said yes to everything I could, but it was mostly mundane things.

Yes-to hiking again with Track B students, even though I went a quarter of the distance I went yesterday.
Yes-to a mini-roadtrip to Mesilla with classmates in two weeks for the Border Book Festival.

I'm excited about tomorrow and all the random acts of kindness. Guerilla kindness, I call it. I've been trying not to think about what I'm going to do so they can all be sporadic. A few weeks ago, my Grandma was out shopping and encountered an elderly black lady who seemed lost. Turns out she was randomly handing out $100 dollar bills to various people. My Grandma said she didn't say anything to her, she just gave her a huge smile. Some people noticed what she was doing and went to actually ask for money, but she was only giving it to those she found worthy. I wish I could afford to do something like this, but it's the thought that counts tomorrow :-) She will be my inspiration for tomorrow. Here's to giving out smiles and getting some in return, hopefully.

Hiking is...

exhausting but ultimately worth it.
I have said with pride in the past that if a sight is worth seeing, Google maps can probably find it for me minus the rocks and my panting my way up a mountain. However, I rescind my previous statement. It was fun, albeit, I did huff and puff a bit. In the spirit of multitasking, I took all my students with me and we made it a field trip to Transmountain this morning, and hiked about 2 miles both ways. They loved it, and we took some great pictures and had lunch at the top of the mountain.

 Site of my first hiking experience.

 The bottom!

 A cactus flower Jamie picked for me :)

 Anaiz, climbing up a big rock sola like a crazy person!

 These feet need to make it to the top!

 Myself, Selene and Emiliano, clutching the infamous Transmountain walking stick. Kept me from falling on my ass!

 Students, taking in the view.

 My little chickens. They look rough around the edges, but they have hearts of gold.

 Michelle, the counselor at our school and my partner in hiking and chisme on this lovely Monday morning.

The best part about it was the resolve to make it to the top. I was feeling the burn in my calves halfway up and was tempted to stop, but the trail of little chickens (my lovely students) behind me kept me on the right track. Michelle and I had lovely bonding moments at the top of the mountain while the students were out exploring. Good day :) I know my ass is going to be sore tomorrow.

30 Days Till 30!

Hola!
If you are reading this, it is because I've invited you to read my 30 Days Till 30 blog. For the next month, I will be completing one task a day, representing things I have always wanted to do but have never done that I think need to be a part of the last month of my 20's. Some are silly, some are serious, and some are things my procrastinating ass has never gotten around to doing. So please enjoy. If you'd like to join me on any of these adventures, please let me know. I may need encouragement, solidarity or alcoholic beverages! The list was compiled by me and the people who know me the best and are closest to me. Because work and grad school keep me insanely, ridiculously busy, I have had to plan this out carefully. My 30 days begin tomorrow!

Monday, March 28: Take a hike (literally!)
Tuesday, March 29: Say yes all day
Wednesday, March 30: Complete as many random acts of kindness as possible in one day
Thursday, March 31: Write a Thank You letter
Friday, April 1: Dye a section of my hair purple
Saturday, April 2: Watch a film at Fellini Film Cafe
Sunday, April 3: Spend the whole day alone

Monday, April 4: Write a list of negativities collected and burn it
Tuesday, April 5: Take a pic of something beautiful that personifies that exact moment
Wednesday, April 6: Get a full body massage
Thursday, April 7: Change a baby's diaper
Friday, April 8: Take a midnight picnic
Saturday, April 9: Plant a tree/Hug a tree
Sunday, April 10: Fire a gun

Monday, April 11: Visit my father's grave
Tuesday, April 12: TBD (My Mom picks my activity today. Famously indecisive woman!)
Wednesday, April 13: Work out twice in one day
Thursday, April 14: Write a long overdue letter
Friday, April 15: Kiss a stranger
Saturday, April 16: Read a book to baby Mae (I will be in CA for C-M's baby shower)
Sunday, April 17: TBD (Cristina-Maria, my sister-friend will choose today's activity)

Monday, April 18: Ask someone out on a date that is completely not my type
Tuesday, April 19: Ditch class & take a homeless kid for a manicure (contributed by my loco boss, Joel)
Wednesday, April 20: Cook a three course meal
Thursday, April 21: Get drunk on a weeknight (and I can't call in the next day)
Friday, April 22: Get another tattoo
Saturday, April 23: Stay up all night and watch the sun rise
Sunday, April 24: XXXXXXXPrivate activityXXXXXXXXX

Monday, April 25: Get a Brazilian bikini wax (contributed by Zahira...ouch.)
Tuesday, April 26: Ride the city bus
Wednesday, April 27: TBD (Krista, my partner in crime, picks today's activity)
Thursday, April 28: TBD (Now taking SUGGESTIONS!)